…The world is a UNIVERSE of color…. But really, if Dick Clark were here and we were playing the pyramid, this would qualify for: “Things I suggested amongst friends years ago” “Things that prompt me changing my underwear” And “Things that I really hope don’t disappoint me”
So, being the Theme Park enthusiast that I am, I was asked the question “What do you think about this?” multiple times yesterday. This of course, refers to Universal Orlando’s decision to close the iconic JAWS attraction. While I love the attraction, I must admit that I’m actually rather neutral on the topic. The purist in me is OUTRAGED because it’s one of two original attractions at the park left (the other being E.T.), and part of me is like “Oh here we go! It’s just like Back to the Future all over again!” Groany Groan, bitch and moan, etc. etc.
But there’s another part of me that’s actually hopelessly optimistic, and I don’t want to start the aforementioned bitching until I KNOW what’s replacing it. You see…I know it’s weird, but losing attractions is like losing a loved one. There are some that are really close to you, and others that are like…eh. In the theme park world, I already lost the theme park equivalent to one of my parents:
While it may not seem like it, this attraction had a HUGE impact on my life. This simple 16 minute experience was so inspiring for me, it was one of two things that made me want to do what I want to do with my life. I know that it’s a cult classic in the world of theme parks, and forgotten attractions, and I KNOW that a lot of people out there wanted nothing to do with it. But for me, it just oozed with brilliance. I’ll keep the explanation simple: If you never got to experience it (or it’s lame-as-shit replacement (which we’ll get to)) the story is relatively simple: You’re in Tomorrowland at the Interplanetary Convention Center watching a demonstration by this company that has just discovered Earth as a consumer center, and is trying to sell you their goods. Namely, The XS Series 1000. The first in a complete line of personal and commercial teleportation devices. Needless to say, in true theme park fashion, something goes awry during the demonstration and all hell breaks loose. Technically speaking, you’re in a darkened room with a harness strapped on you. The only point to this restraint is to conveniently place speakers, fans, and a compressed air nozzle behind your head. Using some animatronics and video screens for filler, the story unfolds in front of you, and the room goes dark. Using that hardware, you were CONVINCED that an actual creature was running amok around you and might possibly cause you some harm and/or eat you. The best part of that, my inspiration, was that IT WAS ALL IN YOUR HEAD. At no point do the seats move. At no point does it engage onto a track and send you on some coaster style ride. YOUR BRAIN was telling you shit was hitting the fan even though you were just completely still, sitting in the dark.
Then, “Lilo and Stitch” was released into theaters.
And I sat there, in THAT darkened room. And here’s this scene in the first parts of the movie, where this tiny and “cute” alien creature is running around causing damage. You can hear him running around in the ventilation shafts; The theater’s surround sound making it all the more believable. And I sat there, thinking, out loud at points, “No….they wouldn’t.”
Alien Encounter closed permanently in 2003.
The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter was known for being, well, Terrifying. And here’s this cute little alien that has marketing written all over him. Now, as I got older, and wiser, and actually worked for the company, I learned some things. Mostly corporate politics, kissing ass, making yourself look better, and how all of that can backfire in your face. Apparently there were some Imagineers out to make a name for themselves, and said to the park manager at the time, “Hey, you know that ride that ‘EVERY’ guest hates, that ‘Doesn’t belong in the Magic Kingdom,” that constantly gets negative feedback for despite the fact there are warning signs everywhere that word for word and scene by scene depicts what will happen to them?”
“Yeah? What about it?”
“Wanna make it go away with synergy? AND sell thousands of plush toys while you’re at it?”
“Okay!!”
“Well sign these plans, but don’t worry! It’s only a small makeover. It’s cheap enough where only YOU, the park manager, will have to sign it! It won’t go through corporate in Burbank or anything. Just here between us!”
That’s when I found out my inspiration didn’t just die. It was murdered. And the worst part:
NOBODY LIKES IT. Kids hate it. It still is the most poorly rated attraction, I THINK, in the whole of Walt Disney World. On New Year’s Eve and the 4th of July, the two busiest days of the year, it maintains a 5 minute wait. Alien Encounter died in vein.
And that’s my concern for JAWS.
To use the allegory again, I would say JAWS is like…an exe’s older brother. Like, you’re still super cool with him and hang out and get drinks and shit. Maybe even be each other’s wingman every now and then. And suddenly, he wrecked his motorcycle and is currently in the hospital. We KNOW he’s not gonna make it. He’s dead. So it’s really sad, but we know it’s coming. We can still spend some time with him, and cherish those last moments. Now when he dies on January 2nd, 2012, will it be in vein?
What will replace it? We don’t know yet. And that’s where the answer to the question “How do you feel about this?” really lies. When Back to the Future was closed “because it’s an extinct franchise” I was LIVID, as it was announced it would be replaced by a SIMPSONS ride. Which, although still on the air, might as well be “an Extinct franchise.” So what’s the point? You know? But with JAWS, we don’t know. So I can’t be livid. And at the same time, I can’t be super excited either. “Woot! Closing! YEAH! Traditions lost, Heritage gone, history erased!” Until I know what’s coming in I’m gonna stay in this odd numb feeling that I have. And I can tell you what I am going to do…something that I didn’t get to do with Alien Encounter. Something that I do with everything that I know is closing nowadays:
I’m gonna spend some time with Captain Jake and his Amity Boat Tours while I still can.
Dear HHN,
It’s been fun. Personally, I suspect there was treachery afoot between you and Howl O Scream which may have caused a few last minute changes… but oh well. Tonight was my last night that I got to play with you. And enjoy it I did. From my beloved Ravens, right down to Ho-Ho-Homicide and Dead Presidents Day. I’ll still be working with you for the rest of the run, and dealing with the douchecanoes that you bring out, but I won’t get to play with you anymore. No more journeys on Chris’s 4th ship, or treks through an arctic tundra. And hey, I still think my house (Nevermore) and Winter’s Night are ridiculously beautiful, so who cares if the alcoholic druggies like their 3D acid trips of lasers, mirrors, and string in the cosmic-bowling-wet-dream-fantasy that is The In-Between. Don’t get me wrong, I like it and I love the story, but still; I’d rather see a guy get ripped in half by a nurse-gone-bad. And what waits on The Horizon? I guess I’ll find out next year. If you want to do another scare zone house, might I suggest 7? That’s just me being a guy. But for real. 7. See you next year HHN!
Forever yours,
Tony
PS. There is nothing deadly about percussion.
